Going on week 2 of insomnia train. I can get to sleep pretty easily but I wake up 4-5 hours later wide awake and unable to get back to sleep. Combined with finals I feel completely insane! The good news is that by the end of the week my sweetie(I blame sleep dep for that pet name >.>) will be in town. he thinks he's coming to hang out with me little does he know he is only going to be here to help me/watch me sleep mwahahaha. Seriously though...
If anyone knows a good cure for insomnia please help! I really, really miss sleeping. Everything has become so abstract I am really wandering around in a daze. A good example is yesterday trying to leave the PSU library and being faced with the revolving doors(which I have an irrational fear of apparently). I just stood there and stared trying to get up the guts to go through while all the people around me probably realized that I am a freak. It was awkward. Also I have some free time after this week so call me if any of you fine people would like to hang out! :D

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/


I got to page 34 and then it just hurt too much to go on...

Sometimes I wish I could post to this thing just using creepy psychic powers or something. I swear I post to this journal 3 times a week at least it just never actually gets written out. I started school this week and it is so awesome! I am really pleased with my Political Science class, it seems more like a Philosophy class in a lot of ways since it's 'intro to theory.' So much more reading at PSU than I had at PCC but it seems like less writing. This week has been pretty um...intense? Working and studying and feeling a bit crazy just because so much gets packed into such a small time frame.
I have been way more reclusive than I expected I would be coming back to Portland, but it still feels right to me. Honestly I feel very odd, my time away from here really made me more aware of how much I have changed, I feel a lot more content and happy with myself than I have at pretty much any other time in my life; at the same time I feel really out of place with the people I know. I guess I'm trying to give out a general apology here if I have offended anyone by being so distant, I really do love and care for everyone around me, I just feel really lost(but in a good way!).
At some point I want to tell the story of my latest boyfriend(Rob, the best boy ever!), but I'm lazy right now! I will say that I am very pleased, things have progressed all naturally and healthily. It's so awesome to have my passion for life back(just in time for long, dreary Portland winter! lol) and to have someone I feel passionately about in my life and the best part is that he seems to feel that way too!
Not quite the elaborate post I was hoping for but at least I wrote something! <3

The northwest winter is almost over, I find myself so restless for spring and new beginnings. I have been so homesick for Portland the last few weeks. I miss Dallas and Greg the most, I was remembering all of Gregs crazy noise instruments and going to The Albina Press to get way too caffeinated. I also see that if I don't start doing things that were as much fun as those days in Seattle I think I might really lose my mind(like more than usual). I know I am a terrible friend when it comes to keeping in touch but I have become so introverted it's really hard for me to even know how to start expressing myself again...

I also have to share this song I heard the other day that I'm all obsessed with now. Enjoy the art fagginess of this video.

I finally went out and socialized on Sunday, which to be honest was something I was avoiding. I always liked leaving like a thief in the night because I hate goodbyes so much. I know I will miss all of my Portland friends so much, my friends here are very much more like family than my biological family is.
I dreamed of Matt the other night, in the years since he died I have had a few dreams with him but this one stands out because I could so clearly see his face. He was smiling at me and looking so serene, it was the face that always made me feel like things were gonna be okay in that time far far away when he was still alive. I really don't like it when my unconscious does this, makes me feel like he is still alive. I know maybe it should be comforting but it has made me so emotional the last few days, I guess I may never get over missing him and I just have to be okay with that.

In more practical news...
If anyone needs a bed or dresser or some crappy rugs for their basement let me know and it can all be yours for the low, low price of free. Also if you have boxes you would like to drop off to me I would be a very appreciative monkey.

Hopefully I will make it out to Hive on Sunday and maybe some other places to hang out with some people before I go. If you want to make plans with me your time is running out!
:P

I know I'm a bad livejournal keeper. I should post something about my life and all that but instead you get this...

My boyfriend has got me all addicted to these websites with kittens. I found this one today which perfectly describes my day. hehehehe

The past few weeks have flown by in a haze, I've been barely leaving the house and fighting to stay on top of all my finals work for school. Plus my job can't seem to keep enough people employed leaving the ones who do stick around in a stressful situation. I really almost put two weeks in the other day, they keep trying to get me to work when I have school. To top it off they had me work an early morning shift on Sunday, and some customer complained that I had made her coffee too weak (aka I pulled ristretto shots because they taste good!!). I love how making coffee as disgusting as possible for people is what makes them think it tastes good, at least when I work out in the 'burbs. Anyway it made my boss grumpy enough to schedule a training, a training I have been requesting for months...make that at least a year...It just made me so mad the way she approached it because she came to me and said "why are you pulling your shots so short!" while I had a line out the door. I just wanted to look at her and say "because I'm trying to fuck up your day obviously." I'll admit my coffee was not everything I wanted it to be that day but I was in the position of needing to working about 5 times faster than I normally do. I still kind of want to put in my notice...not sure yet.

I have been such a slacker about school this term. Er...maybe I'm just too hard on myself but either way finals is making me stresstastic. I'm so glad it's almost over.


I have made my decision to move to Seattle as soon as next term is over. My horoscope fro this week said it was fine for me to jump into the abyss of the unknown so long as I didn't do it with my emotional baggage still attached. I'm not always one to make life decisions based on those things but it strikes me as the path I want to take. A life without emotional baggage sounds kind of scary, I sort of feel like it's my trademark or something but I'm willing to give that up to create a happy life in Seattle with a really sweet man(and kittens! there has to be kittens!!!). Kent and kittens...I think I have to go curl up with myself now for a bit and feel all....happy...ewww gross!

Beirut - Nantes lyrics

Well it's been a long time, long time now
since I've seen you smile
and I'll gamble away my fright
and I'll gamble away my time
and in a year, a year or so
this will slip into the sea
well it's been a long time, long time now
since I've seen you smile

nobody raise their voices
just another night to mourn to
nobody raise their voices
just another night to mourn to

I should probably only take long trips via bus or train armed with a pen and paper anymore. That is when I do the most introspection and yet when I try to type it out later it never comes out the same. Yesterdays 2 hours on the bus included the topics of attachment(aka desire), relationships, algebra, and the art of making a latte. I had had a moment of poor communication with Kent the prior day. I realized I am very attached to some ideas about what should be the next step with Kent. In being attached to it I get driven in a way I don't like. It also creates opposition between him and me because I have some goal I am trying to attain instead of us creating something together. It doesn't seem to be too big of a deal for the moment but I realize that I must be very mindful to be in this relationship and be happy. I tend to get upset with myself if I am not doing something I see as “correctly” much of the time I want to walk away from things I am unsure of my aptitude at, I have been being mindful of this as well.

I feel this great sense of accomplishment from the fact that I am still moving in the face of fear. It gets easier everyday too. I have really taken on that adage that life is practice. Even though I'm very bad at math I keep going in and doing my best and for once I'm actually starting to get what's going on. Taking it in little steps instead of viewing it as one big looming cloud helps as well.

Which brings us to the art of making a latte. I think that being a barista has actually brought me closer to enlightenment :P
The espresso is important but it is not so meditative as preparing the milk. To get the milk right you really have to have some strange connection with it. It must have the right temperature, it must make the right noises, it must be texturized correctly and the to make designs you must be even handed. For me this takes complete concentration. I make people wait for it, I won't be interrupted for anything while I'm making a latte, it's a sacred ritual and when I'm done I do the best thing you can do with something you but so much effort into-I give it away :)

Yesterday was weird!
As I came home on the max from the train station I saw a horrible car accident. It made my heart pound and I was shaking for a few minutes afterwards. My heart was so much with those people whoever they were. I know small events like that can change lives, it also made me think of my own live changing experiences when dealing large metal death machines spinning out of control. Maybe that's why I dream of tornadoes.....I wish my thoughts were not so connected to the past it is not so helpful in living in the present.

Later on at work a guy came into my coffee shop looking down at his shoes and I told him I was closing up but I could get him something to go. He meandered up to my count, counted out 4 dollars, put it in my tip jar and then sauntered out. I felt like I was in some weird art film, like I do a lot of the time (giggles).

Ok I'll stop stalling and so my math homework now....

I have been in Seattle all weekend. It's amazing how fast 2 days can fly by. I write this from the train to be posted later, I'm finding the train is a place where my thoughts wander some times a bit too far. On the train ride up I found myself thinking about love and also jealousy. My mind wandered to the things I don't like to talk about. Hera and Will. The fact that the thought of what happened years ago can still bring me nearly to tears is in my opinion unacceptable. For the most part that series of events is far from my mind but then something will trigger it. I was remembering all the rumors people told me about how Hera was saying that Will told her he loved her. Regardless of whether they were having sexual relations at the time or not I know they were, in a sense, dating. There was obvious intimacy between them. It hurt more than anything to be so left out of their lives and so left out in the dark as to what was going on. The constant talking of others didn't help either. It seemed at that time there was a new rumor a few times a week about what Hera and Will were doing. That rumor in particular left me feeling especially betrayed. Who knows what was true and what wasn't what is more important is ho do I deal with the fact that these thoughts still bring me so much pain. I realize I was trying to take the moral high road during this time. I really cared for both of these people and I could see how they were contributing to each other and I could see that it was good for Eden to have a friend as well. I took in to consideration everyone else feelings while ignoring my own which I believe is why is it so painful now. As much as I do believe within me I feel love for both Hera and Will there is definitely a part of me that wishes I could go back in time and deck them both for being so completely insensitive and that wouldn't even begin to exorcise my rage. It's frustrating because even when I think all the hate is out of me it sneaks back up on me. Violence is never enough which must be why it always exists. Stupid desires. I also see how that time in my life is affecting my current relationship. I watch Kent like a hawk, Luckily I don't think he would at all do anything like that but I am very oversensitive even if I think a girl is looking at him and he feels the brunt of it. It is unfair to him to have to pay for what he had nothing to do with. Of course this is the nature of dating people. I think my point here is I'm pissed off and it's ok. Anger is valid and accepting it will do me far better good than repressing it any longer.

I'm so exhausted and there is still so much to do. My instructors have been assigning homework like I'm in real college or something. It feels good to be working towards something though. I figured out that I'm roughly two terms away from being done with my AS or AA whichever it turns out to be.....
There are so many times I feel like I've done so little with my life so it is nice to acknowledge that I have at least kept up with school.
I was talking to Kent the other day and somehow the subject of singing got brought up. I always long for music but I was reminded over the course of the conversation that I think my voice is inconvenient for other people. I don't just think that way about singing either I also (sometimes) don't share my feelings for the same reason. Which is another reason I am trying to keep up on my journal. It seems right to take some time everyday to have some kind of ritual of expression. Otherwise my perspective is skewed and all this junk that builds up in my head starts to overwhelm me. I think more than ever before rituals need to be an important part of my day and at least some of them to need encourage asserting myself so I don't just disappear into the background (even though sometimes that sounds very nice).
I'm having all these moments lately where I experience mindfulness, it has made life an enjoyable experience again. I had a few months of absolute grey there where I couldn't even speak to people really. I was having a strange wordless experience struggling to find whatever it is that makes me me. Life is flowing like tai chi again, I like that....
and oh my god my boyfriend is wonderful! *swoon* Is it spring already.......?

Last night after my entry I reviewed some emails that had passed between me and Will. I remembered the ugliness I felt for myself because of how much we fought and I knew why I am so scared of committing myself to another again. Then I crawled into bed and began thinking of Kent. I have grown to sense him more, when I listen more deeply to myself I can tell he's a really good person. The thought of his calm, balancing presence set me at ease. I started to feel more okay about everything because even though I will still have the same fears and issues I had in my previous relationships I know better than to let things get to the point that they were with Will ever again. I also know that Kent is very different from Will. From all this I decided that taking time everyday to express myself in some way is the healthiest thing I can do to nurture myself. Expression is no longer an idle luxury, it needs to be a priority to maintain my mental health.

I'm so emo this week I can't even handle it! I dreamt of tornadoes again, always a bad sign. Getting my feet back into the water of the metaphorical relationship pool has put me in a bit of shock. Every time I start a new relationship I always hope that I will somehow magically be free of all the blocks I ran into in every other relationship I've ever had. This, however, does not seem to be the case. I want to make my brain shut up and enjoy all the good stuff that is going on! I am so terrified of becoming emotionally invested or something, I keep finding myself at moments thinking there is no way I can go on in any kind of romantic relationship but yet that is really my deepest wish. I'm still struggling with feeling like a failure for that whole dating a clown incident. Speaking of which here's an emotastic thing I wrote to said clown many moons ago and it applies to what I'm afraid will happen again....

So gentle was the day we met that I fell asleep in your shadow. I
melted into your illusory form. The comfort of your gaze was all I
knew. I wrapped the shade around me and slipped into a sweet dream. In
your cycles you turned away. While your eyes were elsewhere I emerged
a struggling creature cocooned. Who is me and is not me. In my fevered
dreams the spring finally broke free of the winter. You stepped away.
My nocturnal eyes grew heavy with the burden of illumination. Where
you stood above me I could no longer define you. A friend or a foe. My
lover or my executioner.
While I struggle to live a growing flowers life I still feel like a mushroom.

I have the feeling my posts will be more like this from now on. Mmmm venting......

Alright, I'm finally going to update this journal with something more significant than an online quiz!!

I have been very out of communication with everyone for months now. I think the point at which I quit being social corresponded to when everyone else went into hibernation so it was easy to slip by unnoticed. First of all the moment where I threw in the towel on socializing happened when one of my good friends and I hooked up on a whim one night. I felt that this should not have affected our friendship but he turned around and told his ex-girlfriend (she's also my friend) that I had taken advantage of him while he was drunk (*edit* and if you were wondering he was in fact sober to the best of my knowledge as much as you all had me pegged for a sexual predator :P). That was the moment I gave up on men(for a while anyway....). On that subject I have to say that I am outraged that quite a few men in the crazy death hippy scene we all seem to be in think that they are so superior that they can treat women with such disrespect. I thought that we were all alternative and shit so that we could get over that whole patriarchy thing, the more things change the more they stay the same. Needless to say I was pretty bitter after that and I forced myself into social coma.

Since then I have kept to myself more than I ever have before in life. I like it a lot but I also miss having a community.
I've been a school, work, sleep and video game machine!!! But a regiment like that will make anyone feel less human. So to complicate my life a little I seem to have gotten involved with a boy via the internets. He's actually my boyfriend. I'm still getting use to that. He lives in Seattle and is absolutely one of the sweetest people I've ever met. (Yay for boys who don't treat me like dirt!!) If you all play nice you might even get to meet him. Maybe. Someday. :P

To complicate my life even further I'm now considering moving to Seattle, partially to be with said boy and also to be with family and maybe just to try something new. My life is very nice and set up in Portland now maybe it's time to make everything crazy again!! Sacrifice my comfort zone to the volcano Gods and see what grows in the aftermath :)
Whether I go to Seattle or stay in Portland gardening is the next hobby I'd like to take up. Maybe a Chinese herb garden!
I'll try to keep a more regular update since this may be my only form of communication with how hectic things are getting. I hope you're all well.
Lots of love, Tisa

Web page and journal code: Copy and paste the following:

I Am A: True Neutral Human Druid/Ranger (2nd/2nd Level)


Ability Scores:

Strength-11

Dexterity-13

Constitution-10

Intelligence-17

Wisdom-15

Charisma-15


Alignment:
True Neutral A true neutral character does what seems to be a good idea. He doesn't feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Most true neutral characters exhibit a lack of conviction or bias rather than a commitment to neutrality. Such a character thinks of good as better than evil after all, he would rather have good neighbors and rulers than evil ones. Still, he's not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way. Some true neutral characters, on the other hand, commit themselves philosophically to neutrality. They see good, evil, law, and chaos as prejudices and dangerous extremes. They advocate the middle way of neutrality as the best, most balanced road in the long run. True neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you act naturally, without prejudice or compulsion. However, true neutral can be a dangerous alignment because it represents apathy, indifference, and a lack of conviction.


Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.


Primary Class:
Druids gain power not by ruling nature but by being at one with it. They hate the unnatural, including aberrations or undead, and destroy them where possible. Druids receive divine spells from nature, not the gods, and can gain an array of powers as they gain experience, including the ability to take the shapes of animals. The weapons and armor of a druid are restricted by their traditional oaths, not simply training. A druid's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that they can cast.


Secondary Class:
Rangers are skilled stalkers and hunters who make their home in the woods. Their martial skill is nearly the equal of the fighter, but they lack the latter's dedication to the craft of fighting. Instead, the ranger focuses his skills and training on a specific enemy a type of creature he bears a vengeful grudge against and hunts above all others. Rangers often accept the role of protector, aiding those who live in or travel through the woods. His skills allow him to move quietly and stick to the shadows, especially in natural settings, and he also has special knowledge of certain types of creatures. Finally, an experienced ranger has such a tie to nature that he can actually draw on natural power to cast divine spells, much as a druid does, and like a druid he is often accompanied by animal companions. A ranger's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.


Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)